Second to last post, What i have learned

What have I learned since starting this blog.

Considering that this is a lifestyle based on rules and protocols. God there are a lot of people out there with such different interpretations. It is one of the things I will be sad about when the last post goes up. the comments and ideas of others that stimulated thought , discussion and more blogs. Thank you all for that.

I have come to the conclusion that I was a good slave, okay stop laughing, not perfect but good. I cannot remember a task that was asked for that was not completed yes a few were late. I never had to use my safe word though maybe in the early years I should have. As to what defines a good slave there are so many different that really I could have been the worst to the greatest.

The touch of a Dominant's hand is unlike any other.It is so sensual yet so firm. It is part of the unknown I never knew if the next would be a smack, a rough caress or gentle probe. Being examined having your ass cheeks pulled apart or testicles lifted and pulled was most exhilarating as good as most sessions. I remember a session held in a cold basement and half way through when Miss held my balls. The heat of her hand shot through my balls into my stomach. That simple touch at that time caused such delight I almost orgasm. When I was touched or grabbed it gave me feelings of being a prized horse right down to being just raw meat. I would say what I crave most is the touch, the acknowledgment that it brought to me that I was owned.

While wearing women's clothing was never up in the forefront of my fantasies some of the wildest times was dresses in some sort of womens attire. I remember the embarrassment of the the first time and of the last so a pretty good feeling if just for it's longevity of humiliation. Oh and yes I had good legs

Once feared, a bull whip can feel quite sensual when delivered at he right time in a session. It pulls and bites and causes a delicious feeling much more like an aggressive lover than an instrument of pain.

Camp was most exhilarating. having the role so clearly defined in the light of day was enlightening. Playing in the tent was only surpassed by the play in the forest. Yes a lot more could have been done but a lot was done so happy memories . Could I live like that? oh so easily.

Play parties , clubs, and open houses, each had their own special excitement. Standing naked 25 years ago waiting for some one to select me for play had such excitement to it before i reached a play station that I would have peed my pants had I been wearing anything. Now it depends totally on how evil the Dominant is.

I think by my standards i am a good toy maker. As I have been the test subject they do what they were supposed to . They hurt. So now when I will make toys, I will make sure not to open all items of mine to future Dominants.

I have different hard limits now then I did years ago. I would say that most of them stem from what my vanilla life will accept rather than fear of trying on my part

I do not give my trust easily to Dominants, I am quick to judge words and statements perhaps a bad thing maybe not. I have avoided serious injury and emotional hurt. Some situations that were best left in a fantasy world rather than try to imitate it in reality. So I might have lost a few great times but balanced that with what could have gone bad and I guess i came out ahead.

I have always made Dominants earn my trust. I gave them my body to abuse , humiliate play and torture. I kissed their feet to show my thanks I did expect some show of thanks from them, some praise or simple words to show thanks. This was a gift. If they showed no appreciation for the gift I lost respect for them

I feel that 90% of Dominants are too uptight to enjoy the gift before them. They I guess like so many other humans are trying so hard to please they forget to have fun. So worried about what they cannot do they miss opportunity to play and push what they can do. Subs usually have a long list of what they would like to do but I find that Dominants seldom do. Perhaps the switch is the best of both worlds a hybrid as they seem to always have a list of desires no matter what role they are in. That 10% of dominants are very hard to find and when you do a voice in the back of my head questions their validity.


The second to last thing I wish to mention is being owned. Waiting for the email in the morning dictating tasks had almost the same importance as waiting for Christmas to arrive to open my presents. The anticipation of times I would be with my Dominant, cannot be put in words. The joy of purpose given to me by my service was such a strong emotion it is only surpassed in strength by it's absence. When owned I had the contentment of purpose and direction. I was happy to no end when my gift of servitude was so appreciated for some one to claim me as theirs.

Last is a regret that knowing that I had these feelings, I did not accept them as normal. I did not search out like minded people years ago. I did not make this the bases of my life. Instead I suppressed feelings and hid desires to be accepted in the vanilla world . A place where I have never felt as fulfilled as I have in the lifestyle. Sadly now I can only have bits and pieces not quite as fulfilling .