An olds question

What Is more embarrassing, having a small penis seen by Men or women? Being exposed to women having to admit that I have ed useless to them or showing how little of a man you are to other men?

When I found out that I was not of gargantuan size I was at first shocked that it was not of an impassive size it was at a time when men changed in in the open at a public pool. I noticed that those of les then the norm would wrap a towel around themselves the others would not. Nothing was ever said so I thought nothing of it but when in front of an experience woman well it was pointed out when I said some thing about my abilities. I think thenis when my slave or submissive side came out. After that I changed in a ore modest manner as she said the other males were laughing on the inside.

Later on I took the role of a dominant as that meant I did not have to be naked I kept my clothes and dignity on. Yet the feeling of embarrassment was a strong one and most of my fantasies were of my exposure in front of both men and women. The attention given to small equipment made it all the more sought after.

A strong fantasy of mine is where as a dominant I am found out to measure less then what a Dominant should have. A group of dominants strip me in a military manner and then forced into slavery for them and their slaves. Never again allowed to own a slave or take the title of dominant. Branded as a slave not literally I have to close any of my dominant profiles and resign myself to slavery/ As punishment fo pretending to be dominant for all those years I must serve the goup and their slaves at any time much like O in the story not having the right to say know.

I was in a position of being the low man on the totem at a camp and found this to be most exhilarating. While the whole camp did not know the small group that I was with could demand anything from me. While they had some fun they were friends and did not enforce it as evilly as they could of as most realities are far from reality. Not once at that camp did I have dom feelings instead I wanted to feel the wrath of the disgust of Dominants. Worse I wanted ot feel the anger and disgust of those slaves that were once mine. The thought that they had served some one so much less was a wicked thought I had often.


SO while I have in the past considered myself a switch I wonder if such strong feeling means that I am slave who just has an evil mind? Perhaps my pride has not allowed me to accept what I really am?

Thoughts while naked the garage

A foot sounds pretty long but when it is a chain connecting your ankles together it sverly limits your ability to walk easily. Couple that with a six inch chain holding your wrists together it makes matters worse. I wore suck items at a camp I attended and if caused me to think about basic things such as walking and picking up things.

I have never been fastened like that and had to do tasks of any sorts. Yes in sessions but not everyday activities such as cleaning a house. I imagine it would complicate minor tasks as dusting washing floors with a mop or having to leave what I was doing to answer the call of the dominant I was working for. I think while it would take me longer to do the work it would intensify the feelings of slavery.

The task most probable not be up to standard as I would have to learn how to work like that. The slow and measure pace I would be stuck in would cause my thoughts to be directed soley on the task of moving and working. No time to loose myself in fantasy and I flitted away the time instead hard concentration on lifting objects and holding dusters and the lot. Let alone the occasional slap of whack with a stick for slow or poor work. Serving coffe or tea would become a monumentous task rather then one with out thought.

Perhaps my idea of slave should be naked perhaps they should always wear chains to make sure they are in the right mindset. That mind set should eliminate all thought but what the task need to be done properly. It would allow easy storage of the slave when finished just hook the slave up and close the door of the cupboard. Left there to think of his predicament and ponder his poor performance along with impending punishment.

Pleasant slave thoughts.

Forced or given

In all my fantasies and desires of slavery there is usually one thread that runs through them all, I want to be caught. It is not that I give my servitude freely but that others take it. They have found a deep dark secret of my or have pictures they use for blackmail. There night be a group of people where they can overpower me but the fact is I want it forced from me. My bets that I have made in the past or challenges always had me paying a debt of honour so still being forced.

Now based on history this was the norm no people asked to be a slave to another even though some were better off for it. A matter of pride perhaps or not wanting the image of myself destroyed the big strong guy can’ really enjoy wearing women’s underwear but why have I a collection of panties and nylons and a few dresses and even a grass skirt. A wardrobe that would be strange to those that knows me as a slave with chains and leather. I have always said that I do not care for the female attire then why do I have these things?

Now many others have this idea of slavery as there is som much written about being forced into slavery. Streaking is in my opinion a wish not to run naked through public streets but wish to be seen or caught. I have said I like pain but enjoyed when it is is used for punishment rather then play it allows a release of my slave desires rather then asking as that would be me admitting that It is I that wants it not a punishment for being caught. I think many others are this way also yes there are those that have liberated themselves from the yoke of denial for lack of a better word,

I do not know if it has affected my search for a Dominants since I really have a hard time asking to be some one’s slave I prefer it when they ask me to be their slave. This could be cause by the other commitments I have in life I do not know.

The type of domination I am seeking might not be possible since I have to have some hard limits. When you limit what can be done and want a dominant to take full control and I emphasises the word TAKE the number of dominants available to me are quite limited. Sincve they have a very large selection of younger more available slaves without such hard limits.

I guess too much thinking for one day

Confussions of a Switch

It has been pointed out that in vanilla life and slave I am not an open book. No one individual knows me they know what I allow then to know. I will not delve into why here but instead question if a slave really needs to be an open book about all things.

Yes the slave needs tobe open about health issues and any issues that might affect his use by the dominant. Do they have to know my thoughts on Afghanistan do they need to know why I am for or against the death penalty. As a slave what I think is unimportant to the dominant is it not? The slave is supposed to be there for the dominant’s pleasure and needs not to listen to a dissertation on human rights. Now some like this openness and embrace it but I am not sure about it. The control or power given over by this knowledge would prey upon me I feel. Knowing my exhibitionistic tendencies and love of humiliation there might be too much ammunition in my inner self.

So as I did my usual time naked in the garage naked with my clamps on I wondered if my being naked is not a wish to truly expose my inner self or the wish to have some one force it from me. It could be a wish to find a dominant walking down the street or some one who sill do that for me. So that I can say it was not my fault they made me. Being in the cold garage is it that I wish to keep my slavery with out emotions or am I scared to admit what I like showing emotion of joy of things that are apprehensible to most? To some the idea of being a slave after they have known me as Cloud it is not possible that the slave side of me is the dominant one of my switch personality? Is Cloud just the persona that has all the desires and traits that I seek in a dominant? Do I revert to Cloud when I am frustrated by not getting what I want in a dominant? Should I close Cloud down to fully be able to explore my slave desires?

I now know that my health is really not and issue with the type of physical activities I can no longer use that as an excuse for me not to be a slave. I also know the two time I was the happiest you could say were times I was owned. Those times. were those times where I was allowing my emotions to open up? Times when I used what Cloud did as reasons not to continue because the owners did not act like Cloud?

I seemed to have generated more questions and few answers but hell it was fun in the garage today looking down the street for a dominant hmmm wonder when the next slave auction is?

Pondering why?

I spend time pondering why I have such desires as being a slave. Could it be that I as a child never received cp as a punishment. Neither my parents nor in the school system was I ever chastised in such a fashion. Most of my friends or schoolmates were at one time or another in such fashion. I wonder if it is a feeling of exclusion on my part. I was always a good boy and student that such attention was not needed. I was never caught. When my homework was not finished that was the day the teacher did not check. I could feel as if I was neglected as the others did perform up to par they were put in the forefront and given strapping in front of all others. Sort of a special attention paid to them I never received. I never had to do chores I just had to play and have fun. I wonder if a few red Asses would have changed my desire today to be treated as some thing worthless only good to be used for menial tasks beaten and berated. Could it be a want for attention? When as a child I hated embarrassment of not being the best at things so could it be a desire for failure just to relax from being good or a true desire to experience the naughty things yet not having the guts to break the rules unless I was assured of not getting caught and showing I was lest than perfect.

Could it be that the only time I received cp from an adult was during my sexual awakening as a teenager and I equivocate the pain of a strapping as erotic. Could it be my desire was always there as from an early age when I played strip poker I loved to loose and have to bargain for my clothes back through dares and other forms of slavery that looking back were very much part of my childhood.

A strange place the slave mind is.

Woodsheds and garages

There is dirtiness about them. A musky scent about them, that sets a mood for me of excitement. I visited a woodshed once as a teenager when my girlfriend’s Uncle caught me. I had my girlfriend half naked all primed for a quick indulgence when he walked in on us. The choice was a trip to the woodshed or a call to my parents. I had been invited to their country place to enjoy a weekend and being told by my parents to be on my best behaviour so I really did not have a choice. I remember being marched out with my girlfriend in tow I had to strip and bend over a saw horse and there I stayed as he lecture my girlfriend about the evils of men. Then the noise of his belt being removed and as the first stroke fell I could feel wetness on my ass. After twenty five of his best strokes reducing me to tears I was left there again as he pointed out to her the proper etiquette when at their country place. After that I spent the rest of the day piling wood for him. I knew that anyone in the house would have heard and know what was happening. So every one in the house would look at me but not say anything.

At that age though very painful yet I felt excited about being spanked n front of my girlfriend and vulnerable being naked in front of him. I enjoy the idea he now had a hold on me though it was never used by him nor was the woodshed re-visited the power he held over me was there overtime we met at family gatherings. I know she got a similar treatment from her aunt unfortunately I did not get to see it.
When I enter my garage with my nipple clamps on I almost re-live those feelings. Who has accidentally seem me gives me wild fantasies about discovery what would happen if confronted. They might just being laughing under their breath as we talk about the weather.

I sort of wish there were more woodsheds around.

Too much thinking I suppose

A few years ago I stopped playing in public. I gave the excuse that I wanted to find some one a little more serious and would only play in public once I had served in private. That way I thought I would find a more serious player. One more into domination rather then shows off in front of an audience. I found or hoped to find a serious partner. I now wonder if maybe I did not want to show my more submissive side and perhaps loose the respect of those around me. Perhaps because of age and a few operations I did not want to be seen by just anyone. I have at times boasted about my lack of shame flaunting my body.

I also felt that the meat market of public play at clubs was truly humiliating. Funny that I love humiliation play and yet loath the idea of just anyone seeing me. I have come to the conclusion that I was and always have been scared of the judgement of others not on my body but what they think of me being a switch. Would think all the less of me, going a dominant to a slave. I tried to dismiss this and be honest about my feelings, which seems to confuse people even more. When I explained my philosophy to a want to be slave he could not understand when I would go from dominant to explore the same joys he felt it stunned me. How could this slave not understand the wish to experience the joys of slavery? Could it be he does not know what he enjoys? A past slave that is now vanilla said that she did not really like the pain though she called herself a pain slut. If you do not know why you like some thing or even just enjoy it with out the knowledge how can you not understand that others wish to experience the same feelings. IS it that the Dominant is such a prized position that once you are there leaving it is incomprehensible? So time for me to ponder and wonder about some in the lifestyle. I wonder if they are here because of a need to be punished? Is it to return to their childhood when one knew boundaries or did not have to make major decisions or perhaps it is the responsibility to be a success in a world that has no definition of what success is. IS there no one just out to enjoy a highly erotic and physically tough form of relation?

Just takes the fun out of it well almost.

Lucky so far!

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Going for a walk has always been a way to be alone. I guess a form of Hermit time you could say. It allows one to remove outside influences and concentrate on one's own thoughts. SO yesterday was just that a walk away from things.
The unfortyunate thing is that you can go for a walk but I at least cannot walk away or truly escape if it is not for the vanilla interests then it is those of the lifestyle that draw upon me or worse those that do not investigate past their needs .

Just an ID sort of day.

Sums up what I feel.

my partners always refused to interact with me in a way that distressed me physically because they believed I shouldn’t want it.

I can so relate to this statement from Male submissive art. I have always said that I am too nice or that I take too long to get to know an d trust that they become more friends then dominants. Suddenly I go from being at the mercy of a nasty dominant to being asked if I am okay. Do you know how hard it is to fly when after every cane stroke so one wants you to rate it. Really on occasion some oen gets hurt that is what happens when you are trying to give pleasure to some one by hitting their ass with a stick or in tight bondage as that is what they want or at least what I want. I have not found words as good to express m feelings as these are.

Different feelings of Humiliation

I have always thought that having to serve someone you do not want to takes a lot more submission then if you did like him or her.

Those disgusting bullies that pushed your face in the snow and out of fear you did what they wanted now you would have to admit to them that it is not fear but wish to submit to their disgusting treatment. The idea that they were better not because they were but because you wanted it that way you put them on high to be worshipped would that be more humiliating?

Would some one you like being offered your submission be more? The beautiful woman you have adored laughing as she took hold of your leash the now naked slave once her pride to be an toy for her pleasures.

Or would it be the buddy you have been friends with for years. And now you kneel with a red ass from his hand sucking his cock as he is smiling thinking of all the other ways he can belittle a former equal would that carry more Humiliation?

Is humiliation always part of slavery

A slave to me has always carried a stigma of humiliation to it. To me it means tht they lost a battle or war. They were into strong enough to defend themselves against raiders or too week in power and were sold off by their own people. So humiliation through not be strong enough to win they are the losers. They could also be the victims of bullies. Little one brought up a point though what of those born into slavery and I speak only of historically/ Well quite true they did not loose but their parents must have and they are not willing to break out or revolt they are content to be lesser then their owners so there lies the humiliation to me. Much like those that do not stand up to bullies out of fear well that is their humiliation .

So still a firm believer that humiliation is part and parce of the slavery gig.

wish for revenge perhaps

I am off to see an old slave turned vanilla for a coffee this morning. I have to say during this period of time in my life I am having wonderfully submissive feelings spurred on by fantasies of having to be a slave to one of my ex slaves.

I would also say that my most submissive feelings have come from being in a submissive position with other slaves. Funny that the two times I have feel the most slave like and humiliated has been serving a submissive friend of mine and the other a former slave. Though I do not expect anything from today other then vanilla conversation the idea is very powerful. I guess it is just the time of my life and the submissive phase I am going through but wild thoughts abound.

A pondering

When sitting around with a butt plug in you tend to ponder a howle lot on meanings.

Pure slavery.

A term use by an acquaintance of mine to describe some thing she wishes to try. Since hearing the term I have fantasized about what it could mean to her. As words can always be interpreted in at least two understandings and usually many more I have given a lot of thought to it’s meaning.

Now slap me if I am wrong but I do believe that it is or carries the meaning of what I have been looking for. No small talk about the price of gas or what we did last summer. No limits put forth by the slave or toy no ideas, demands or listings of what the slave likes to do just compliances to the dominants wishes and their desires.

No control by the slave at all, service, punishment , play is up to the dominant including dismissal for poor behaviour. I guess the only question is whether the slave or the Dominant can remain in their desired states with out a lapse or break.

I would guess length of time would have something to do with it. I have been to a camp but would have to say I was in and our of roles the dominants was not as strong as Ineeded or had wished for so that would be a concern for me but might make me concentrate a lot more on the dominants rather then what I felt I was missing.