A few years ago I stopped playing in public. I gave the excuse that I wanted to find some one a little more serious and would only play in public once I had served in private. That way I thought I would find a more serious player. One more into domination rather then shows off in front of an audience. I found or hoped to find a serious partner. I now wonder if maybe I did not want to show my more submissive side and perhaps loose the respect of those around me. Perhaps because of age and a few operations I did not want to be seen by just anyone. I have at times boasted about my lack of shame flaunting my body.
I also felt that the meat market of public play at clubs was truly humiliating. Funny that I love humiliation play and yet loath the idea of just anyone seeing me. I have come to the conclusion that I was and always have been scared of the judgement of others not on my body but what they think of me being a switch. Would think all the less of me, going a dominant to a slave. I tried to dismiss this and be honest about my feelings, which seems to confuse people even more. When I explained my philosophy to a want to be slave he could not understand when I would go from dominant to explore the same joys he felt it stunned me. How could this slave not understand the wish to experience the joys of slavery? Could it be he does not know what he enjoys? A past slave that is now vanilla said that she did not really like the pain though she called herself a pain slut. If you do not know why you like some thing or even just enjoy it with out the knowledge how can you not understand that others wish to experience the same feelings. IS it that the Dominant is such a prized position that once you are there leaving it is incomprehensible? So time for me to ponder and wonder about some in the lifestyle. I wonder if they are here because of a need to be punished? Is it to return to their childhood when one knew boundaries or did not have to make major decisions or perhaps it is the responsibility to be a success in a world that has no definition of what success is. IS there no one just out to enjoy a highly erotic and physically tough form of relation?
Just takes the fun out of it well almost.
drakor at his best
I know one is enough I prefer using two hands thank you
1 comment:
A and I enjoy "a highly erotic and physically tough form of relationship". I agree with everything you've said in this blog. And I wish A had been feeling well enough that we could have gotten together for our little threesome. More on that in private!
I personally respect you MORE because of you being a switch. It makes you seem scarier than ever, to me! Because you know how much pain you can take, I fear that you'd think I would be able to take that much.
I don't know what a "pain slut" is - I am terrified of pain. But the arousal in the Dom, his reaction to me, is what keeps me playing. I ADORE being dominated. So of course I can relate to your desiring this!
I sometimes think I could do a stint or two at dominating - I wonder how a sub would react to the things I'd do, which are of course the things I'd like done to me!
Such a complex set of feelings and thrills!
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